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andreaamayo
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andreaamayo

Well, I was just asking what your girls opinion was on this.

So get this, I was in a relationship with a guy who got extremely violent with me. He ended up being super, super physical and he’d scream at me and call me names and slap me. So before all this happened I met another guy, I was contemplating on leaving the first guy anyway because I really felt the 2nd guy was better and the one for me.

So after my first guy got physical I dropped him. I quickly started to date the 2nd guy and I felt like he was my “superman” because he made me forget all about the first guy. but I shoulda freakin known that the first 3 months of any romantic relationship is only the attraction/excitement phase. silly stupid girl, i know. So now that the bright polish on my so called “superman” is fading away, I’m starting to see the real him, and lets just say I do NOT like what I see, at all.. & I told him from the get-go “You cannot control me.” & he seemed to understand that. But now he calls me names, he gets jealous when I go out with my friends, he goes through my phone, he freaks out when a guy flirts with me, & he tries controlling me. & When I tell him that if he doesn’t treat me right another man will, he SWEARS that I couldn’t be able to find another guy and says “GO ahead then.” & I have broken up with him before because he was being disrespectful but now this love shit is getting in the way. Yes, I do love him, I love him a lot. I’m really trying so hard to make sure this wont turn into like the last relationship, but it’s like all the red flags are there.

So tell me ladies & gents. why do we tend to fall for the same guy over & over again?
& WHY DO I want to stay with this man If i KNOW the red flags are there & I should just get out?

Somebody help a girl out.

posted almost 9 years ago
magali
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magali

Yikes. This is scary. I’m a student of Psychology, interested in Psychoanalysis so maybe I can try explaining.
Other than the fact that these guys are very violent, they have certain characteristics you may find desirable. For example, they’re protective & you might feel ‘safe’ and ‘loved’ when you’re with them as compared to a more chilled out guy who is not as possessive. Possessive guys shower their girls with a lot of attentions, & most girls love that at first (I’m not trying to judge, just explaining)
I think maybe you should be single for a while because jumping into a relationship just after you’ve got out of on (an abusive one at that) is NEVER a good idea. Take care.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
MurasakiNeko
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MurasakiNeko

I agree with magali. Unfortunately it should come as no surprise that so many women are drawn to abusive men. We are taught as girls to believe that strong, macho men are attractive, and jealousy and possessiveness is flattering. We are even given emotional abusers as romantic ideals! (Compare Edward Cullen from Twilight to a list of abuse red flags; you’ll be astonished). It really warps our sense of what makes a loving relationship and hurts us in the end.

Furthermore, once you’re in a relationship with an abuser, the abuse reinforces itself. He’s good to you sometimes (usually right after he really hurts you) and when he’s good to you he sets up your thoughts to make you forgive him when he does (“You’ll never find anyone else!” so you come running back). He may make you feel like you deserve the cruel treatment by convincing you that you are as untrustworthy and worthless as he says.

I think you know you should get out this time, too. And I think you should obey that instinct before he takes it too far. You may love him and he may say he loves you (sometimes), but he is only going to hurt you. Love alone cannot change a person or save a relationship. (That’s another lie our culture teaches us, but love does NOT conquer all. A relationship needs trust and respect, too). Please get yourself out. You deserve someone who trusts you and treats you with total respect. All girls (and guys!) do.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
andreaamayo
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andreaamayo

Thank you so much. You guys are SO right.. I’m gonnna need to woman up and put my instincts before my feelings.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
FrivolousDistinction
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FrivolousDis...

Sorry, long post, but this is an important topic. My work is supporting female survivors of rape and sexual abuse, which may or may not apply to you, but there’s a lot of overlap between different forms of abuse. Here are my thoughts.

Power and control are fundamental motivations behind abuse – a lot of the abuser’s behaviours will come back to these “needs”. An abusive partner might manipulate you into entering a relationship in the first place and into feeling unable to leave. A key strategy of abuse is undermining the abused person’s sense of agency, so that s/he feels their own feelings or judgement are untrustworthy, and therefore doesn’t feel able to make a decision or take action themselves. Despite feeling a lot of internal pain and conflict, the person being abused will often end up staying, or leaving but going back. This is against their will, but they may not feel their will is still their own. Leaving is a process, not a single decision or action. It can take time – and good timing – to complete that process and that’s OK.

The responsibility for abuse lies with the abuser. It is not, and never is, the abused person’s fault, although s/he will often be told it is until they believe it. However, it’s easy to find yourself attracted to someone whose behaviour is destructive. Our earlier experiences of relationships (with parents and other family members, friends, partners) set up patterns of behaviour and expectations in us. Depending on what those are, we might get into relationships with abusive partners for reasons that include the following: not feeling we are worth more; thinking abusive behaviour/relationships are the norm, and so not identifying them as abusive; believing that we can help abusers change; believing we need drama and conflict in a relationship to make it exciting.

As far as your relationship goes, your boyfriend may not have been physically violent to you, but this is what I picked up from your description: he behaves in a possessive and controlling way, he resorts to name-calling, he doesn’t respect your privacy or freedom, he puts you down by telling you no other man would want you, then he says the opposite, challenging you to leave and find someone else. This is emotional abuse, which you seem to recognise since you’re comparing your current boyfriend with your ex. You say you are trying hard to make sure the relationship doesn’t become physically violent, meaning that your boyfriend doesn’t. You are not responsible for his feelings or behaviour. If you feel that you have to make an effort to prevent violence on his part, it may be that the best way of ensuring that is to end the relationship for good.

You sound as though you feel that you should leave, that this is what you come to after reasoning it through, but love is making you stay. Ultimately, if someone you care about is abusive and can’t/won’t change it’s not good for you to be close to them, however much you love them. I’d suggest that you really think about what love means to you. Not necessarily about this guy in particular, but about your ideas of love and where they might come from, how you learnt about relationships, what kind of examples there have been in your life. Try to understand the way you think when it comes to relationships. See if you spot any patterns. Think about what you want for yourself when it comes to life and love, both now and in the future. Then think about how your boyfriend fits into this. I think you already have your own answers, you just need to do a bit of exploring to find them.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
SaffronHaze
Style_council
SaffronHaze

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I don’t know too much about this but I was with a guy kind of like that for a while, possessive, name calling, jealous, controlling, early stages of violent behaviour etc. All I can say is that getting out of that was the best thing that ever happened! Getting out will allow you to reassess what you need and deserve in a relationship and I think looking back you won’t believe you put up with it in the first place! Good luck and take care!

posted almost 9 years ago
 
Lollipopx3
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Lollipopx3

Until you are stable you will not find a good guy. You should take time out for yourself and give time to heal. You have to be in the right mindset to find the right guy. Focus on you for now and definitely KICK that guy to the curb! He’s no good for you and will just send you further down the rabbit hole of despair.

You will be attracted to people who are bad for you because of what you’ve been through. Someone you’re not attracted to personality wise will be better for you until you get yourself sorted. I wish you good fortune from the bottom of my heart. You’re too great of a person to let anyone get you down.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
GirlsOftheNYC
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GirlsOftheNYC

Hunny I’ll put this really short and sweet because I may start crying. Get some help from someone who loves you for day-to-day emotional support. You don’t need anyone who is going to hurt you whether physically or emotional. Take some time away to heal yourself before going in to another relationship. You will be fine, someone will love you but not before you love yourself. Take care <3

posted almost 9 years ago
 
boredstephanie
Style_council
boredstephanie

I think its not that everyone falls for guys like that but just some girls do. There are a lot of great guys out there but it seems you always pick the bad ones. I can’t say why exactly you gravitate towards those kinda guys but just whenever you feel like they’re putting you down. Just dump them. You deserve someone who will treat you like a lady, not a whore.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
andreaamayo
Style_council
andreaamayo

You guys are so right, i cant thank you enough. for a second today he was being SO nice to me and I was like oh I can just forget about all this breaking up talk but then again….. its just the cycle. He’s back to calling me names and making me feel worthless and taking out his anger on me when his parents get him mad.

It’s gonna take some time for me to leave but I know i need to do this. I should be mentally stable before anything, your right @lollipopx3. It’s kinda like i’m scared to be alone, I always ask myself who am I gonna talk to? All my friends have boyfriends but i shouldn’t be scared.

& his mom is always putting me down too. Its like my heart is constantly breaking when I’m with him.
this is gonna be tough, real tough.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
boredstephanie
Style_council
boredstephanie

You should remember that you should be happy when you’re with your boyfriend! that should be the NORMAL feeling, not having a horrible time with only little spots of happiness. I have some friends who are scared to be alone so I kind of understand where you’re coming from but its better to not have a boyfriend than to have one who treats you badly. AND you always have friends and family to talk to if you get lonely!

posted almost 9 years ago
 
moshopyadi
Style_council
moshopyadi

THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU IS BE YOUR OWN SUPERMAN FOR A WHILE AND LEAVE THESE SPIDERMAN WANA BEEZ ALONE.

YOU ARE BEAUTYFUL…..

posted almost 9 years ago
 
SONIAP
Style_council
SONIAP

Men can be sneaky , in the way most are only after one thing , I know that sounds terrible but a lot of times it is true.

The men you go for are prob nice at first and make you feel like princess at first ,you should look at the men you go for and go for totally the opposite – maybe those men who you like are not right for you.

I mean the better looking men are always the guys who think they are so amazing that they can control everything.

I think try to find out about their personality first , go out for group dates so maybe if you dont spot a defect in their personality your friends may be able to. Safty in numbers .

Good luck with this ,

posted almost 9 years ago
 
andreaamayo
Style_council
andreaamayo

Yeah you are right. I ended it. He told me “fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your friends, fuck your future & I hope you get drunk and dont get so lucky tonight” cause I told him i was going to a party. I just answered to all of his texts with a simple K. and he kept talking shit. am so done.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
MurasakiNeko
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MurasakiNeko

Sounds like you dodged a bullet! I’m glad you walked away; you should be very proud of yourself <3

posted almost 9 years ago
 
andreaamayo
Style_council
andreaamayo

Thankyou ladies <3 seriously thankyou. You opened up my eyes up.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
tammmmy
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But remember, if you DO decide to leave the relationship, try and do it when he’s calm, or as safely as possible. So you can protect yourself, and others.

posted almost 9 years ago
 
SaffronHaze
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SaffronHaze

Agree with tammmmy, if he’s as volatile as he sounds, please be careful! Good luck!!

posted almost 9 years ago
 
boredstephanie
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boredstephanie

I’m proud of you! I hope you find someone who truly deserves you

posted almost 9 years ago
 
PeachyPanda
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PeachyPanda

You need to learn to love yourself more before all others. I agree with the first post, take some time to just be single, trust me it’ll be fun! Glad to hear you dropped him and good luck with the rest

posted almost 9 years ago
 
opfiend
Style_council
opfiend

I think we sometimes think that a guy getting jealous or being controlling equals him caring about us. It can be weird to get into a healthy relationship where you have freedom to be you when you’re not used to it. You could equate it with your new guy not caring about you. Good for you for being done with him!

posted almost 9 years ago
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